It’s been months since my last post. I’m coming to the realization that having a blog isn’t for anyone, it’s for me. My life is nowhere near perfect or ideal or by any means encouraging but it’s all I’ve got. My life has overall improved recently. I’ve enrolled and completed a Pima Medical Institue course, Phlebotomy Technician. I’m basically a vampire, a vamp looking for a job so hiring managers hmu for a resume. I have a well-paying job in the meantime that I actually really enjoy. Working as a Live Goods Merchandiser was the connection to plants that I didn’t know I needed. I am responsible for the overall appearance of these gardens and discounting the sadder looking plants.
I’ve moved back into my mother’s house. That’s a whole set of problems and headaches itself. Recently I wonder what she thinks of me seeing as how this was the weekend that I was supposed to be graduating from UA. I for one am so disappointed in myself, I could have been done… but my choices have led me away from that my choices really lead me to single motherhood. I got lucky enough to get a good kid though. My child is beautiful in every way possible and will accomplish great feats in his lifetime and who knows maybe his soul just couldn’t wait. It’s my responsibility now to care for that soul.
I’ve just recently started using and putting creativity into a bullet journal. I like it, started and stopped many versions of bullet journals but when I do utilize this format I feel organized and successful even with tedious tasks. I feel like it holds me accountable for how I spend my days be they productive or lazy. This time around I’ve started taping and inserting any relevant papers or keepsakes that could be useful for future reference. I’ve been contemplating starting to keep track of tidbits of my dreams, REM sleep is such a peculiar time to me. There are parts of dreams that I can remember for weeks but sometimes it’s like this world my subconscious has created moments before my awakening wasn’t real nothing but a passing creation. like many creations on this planet here for the moment only to pass and be replaced in one form or another.
This post is all over the place and really serves no purpose than to dump thoughts I’ve had today.. but I need to commit to tasks and ideas and let them grow into something. even if I can’t see the final vision yet.
I grew up most of my life in the city and coming back to my great grandmother’s house was a regular event throughout my entire life. Nearly all of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents have spent most of their lives around that house and it has become the place where parties and holidays are held and it really is so stereotypical and happy there.
Almost 30 feet away was the house that belonged to my paternal grandmother and that’s where I currently live with my son. We’ve lived here for a year now and I really do think that he loves being here, so close to his grandmother’s every day. It’s definitely a big change in environment for me every day but I really wouldn’t want to change a thing about it.
It is really unfortunate the kind of circumstances that brought us here though, but as always it is because of my boyfriend’s actions and choices involving heroin. For at least 4 months before we moved he was taking money from my account to spend on his habit. This money was what I made at my full-time job, money that I worked hard for while pregnant might I add. This decision to basically steal from me was the reason that we almost didn’t make our rent payment for those months. And why for the last two months that we lived there we didn’t pay our rent at all. If we didn’t move when we did we would’ve eventually been forced to leave by the constable with our 2-month-old infant.
And even after moving and being away from the toxic environment that was our apartment complex sobriety wasn’t a priority to Kannon’s father. Just finding some way to get a buzz even if it wasn’t from opiates. And for other dramatic and just stupid reasons and events, Kannon’s father was no longer welcome on my grandmother’s property.
But that’s all changed and we are happy here on our own. We live at least 45 minutes from a Wal-Mart and a mall and other main food places but the view every day is fantastic and so worth it. We live right across from this small mountain and it is just gorgeous. My family each year goes on a group hike and we get right up to the edge for picture and just for the thrill of it. We have our Easter egg hunt at the base of this mountain and my Great Grandfather was even laid to rest nearby. Each winter we also go sledding and tubing down the roads too. There have just been so many memories created by my family on this lands that make it so unbelievably special.
It definitely is a shock not having a heating a cooling system like most civilized areas but it’s nothing some hard work and elbow grease doesn’t fix. It was a struggle to keep the wood stove constantly going and warm with a young baby but you know next winter will be a different story and experience because my son will be much older. Even now we are fortunate enough to have an air conditioner in our bedroom now that it is getting to be warmer each and every day. Even living on the reservation we are very fortunate and privileged to have running water, electricity, and gas in our home readily available to us.
Many of the residents of the reservations including elderly don’t have access to these kinds of basic needs. Many people living in more rural areas than myself have to go and get water and bring it back to their home and conserve this water for possibly a week or more before they can go make the trip to get more. Many of these same homes don’t even have access to electricity. This could be because of the cultural preferences of the elders but that doesn’t make it right. If anything because they are elderly they should be receiving access to electricity more than others. But this is just the cold hard facts of the lifestyle of that is very common on the reservation. Each Native American reservation is considered sovereign land and only receive a predesignated amount of fund from the US government and as much as the Native governments try their best to distribute assistance to those who need it the fact is that we as Native Americans are struggling each and every day.