My son was born on April 27, 2016. I was induced on that day but because of some distressing heart rate observations during each of my contractions, my doctor decided to just schedule a C-section for late in the afternoon.
Unlike most fathers, my son’s dad didn’t stay with me the entire time, he didn’t offer to get me ice chips and all that cheesy stuff. He decided about 3 hours before the surgery to go back to our apartment, right across the street from the hospital, and check on our dog one last time. It wasn’t until months later did I figure out that he left so that he could go get high. He almost missed our son’s birth. For an entire 45 minutes before the operation, I was calling and texting asking “where are you?” , “is everything okay?” , “you need to come back!” , “the surgery is soon, hurry!” and all kinds of things. I was taken into the operating room not knowing if he was going to make it in time. my nurses were sympathetic enough to allow me to bring my phone in the operating room so that I could keep calling and texting. but it wasn’t until after I got the epidural for my c section, and I was laying down on the table did the nurses announce that he was here, that he made it. It really stung a small part of my heart that I didn’t get to take that silly little picture of him all dressed in his scrubs but I guess that is just the cost of addiction. Missing moments in life because the need to get high is just more important.
If it weren’t for the fact that I was so nervous about my major surgery I probably would have been even more mad at him than I was. But I needed him. I needed him because no matter what he did I relied on him so much because in the past he was what got me through so many just overwhelming emotional and mental anxiety bursts and he was truly my best friend and soul mate.
I swear that surgery felt like it was so short but in reality a major surgery like that takes time. I had no idea where in the process they were, my surgeon wasn’t saying much to me then all of a sudden I heard that beautiful cry, that is a moment I will never forget, I cried as soon as I really registered that that was my baby crying, that he truly was his own person now.
When the surgical nurse showed me my son for the first time I immediately saw my father’s face and the resemblance of him. It was so quick, a flash, but I knew that my dad would be a major part of my son’s amazing life.
But getting past the surgery, when I finally got to the recovery area my doctor came in and he told me that my son had a condition called clubfoot on his right side. Kannon was bundled so much by the nursery blanket that I didn’t even notice. Our previous ultrasounds, only two sessions, had never given any sign of that. But I’ll create a post all about that and his surgery another time.
I remember sitting in my recovery bed and I just could not stop itching my face! I mentioned it to Kannon’s father and he just told me it’s a side effect of the kind of drug they put me on for either the epidural or the pain medicine. I always thought it was funny that I asked him before the nurse. I guess it was just an automatic reaction, I mean ask the addict first I guess…
I also really don’t know how long we were in the recovery area. I remember breastfeeding Kannon for such a long time and since he was so tiny I didn’t want to squish his face with my boob so I held down that part for him and I think I started to fall asleep like that. I really don’t have a clear grasp on the timeline during and after the c section.
I know without a doubt that Kannon’s father loves his son. I don’t want to in any way portray a story that makes it seem like he doesn’t. But the fact is no matter how happy the memory, it is always slightly shadowed by addiction.
This is reflected even more during the next few days of our hospital stay. Kannon’s father would always leave, sometimes hours on end. It was so often that our nurses even started to notice and mentioned something. There were even a few nights when he would sleep at home, or at least say he was sleeping, instead of being at the hospital assisting me with our new son. And anyone who has had a child knows that the second night is nothing but cluster feeding, diaper changes and 30-minute cat naps every couple of hours. So exhausting. And his father was barely there. I believe there was only one time in his entire newborn stage that Kannon had a skin-to-skin session with his father.
But we still made it home. And that came with enough difficulties of its own but that an entirely different story. All in all, I was blessed with a tiny little angel and there is nothing I would change about him. He will forever be part his father and I love that fact. Because let’s face it, I will forever love his father.