fathers day ’17

First and foremost if I haven’t made it clear enough before my son’s father is addicted to heroin. He has been since about January or February ’16. I tried hard to allow him to be a father to our son because that what Kannon deserves a rounded development with a mom and dad. But life isn’t perfect and there are evil things in the world that can draw in the most beautiful souls like my ex-boyfriend.

I know without a doubt that he loves Kannon but the fact is he loves the drugs more. Its baffling that someone could choose a high over the perfection of a child, but drugs do that. they poison the mind body and soul, and no one can make an addict leave it behind expect themselves. It took me a long time to realize that.

I cut contact with my son’s father not long before I started this blog. But I got slightly drawn back in the past couple of days. He called me from the hospital and since I didn;t recognize the number I answered. We talked, cried of course but then didn’t speak for the rest of the day. I realize faulting in my no contact self-agreement is kind of a setback in recovery but so far I think I’m alright. He called again the day of Father’s Day and I allowed that because no matter the past he is my son’s father and nothing can change that.

But what makes the day a bit more strange is that Kannon’s paternal great-grandmother drove over three hours just to meet him. I was expecting that lunch to go so many different ways but honestly really enjoyed myself. It was really a huge weight off my shoulders being truthful about why her grandson and I are no longer in a relationship. Being truthful about how that relationship was becoming more and more poisonous to me each day. And how it has affected my college career path and such was such a relief. She understood and sympathized and it allowed me to justify my feelings of disappointment in myself and other factors of why I decided to leave college.

I felt so terrible telling her about what was going on and seeing how much it broke her heart. She is a kind lady and really cares about her family and I could tell she tried her best to help her family. Hearing about her experience trying to help her daughter, Kannon’s paternal grandmother, with her addiction just made me realize that I am making the right choice. That I don’t have to drag myself behind my ex-boyfriend’s path just because of his decision to bring a dangerous drug into his life.

I told her all about what he’s done to my family and how there were conditions made so that we could reunite as a family but he couldn’t follow through on any of them. I told her about his many stints in a detox facility and his experience in rehab and half way houses and how none of that still didn’t seem to stick. After each time he attempt to get help it would be quickly followed by a relapse and the cycle that was just constant and that i really couldn’t see the end of it insight.

I think right now my ex-boyfriend is much too like his mother, just because fo the addiction and the fact that I have separated us physically and emotionally. listening to his grandmother’s stories just shocked me so much, the similarities between them was uncanny. I Have plenty to say about my experience with his mother but most of that could probably be a blog post all of its own.

My lunch with Kannon’s great grandmother made me appreciate my outlook in my future. I choose my son, I choose to show him a happy fulfilled life. I am so glad that he has started to meet his father’s side of family because I know how much my family loves him and how much joy he brings to our lives and if I can give that joy to others through Kannon just by the fact of him being created then that is something I can get behind and support.